I dont want to feel this way forever, a dead letter marked return to sender.

A part of me still loves you and believes that you are better then this

2007-08-13T22:06:03Z

Fact:

My best friend of almost 5 years ditched me and pretty much traded me in for a lying druggie. Cute?

Yeah, You were really my best friend, but I hope you two have fun. Dont O.D. Ok?

At first I put up a fight, trying to get you back. You can ask anyone. I would never say a word about you, I would hurt anyone that ever hurt you in any way and I've been through hell and back with you and you have always been there for me, and I've always been here for you. It's sad that a few lies from a dirty mouth and a few words twisted around can steal people away. Thank you. Have a good life. I hope you will realize who you real friend is (not the one I introduced you to a few weeks ago)and I hope that you don't get hurt in the end, because I'm not aware of her intentions and you don't need that shit in your life. It's really heartbreaking to find out that after you believed so much in your best friend and told her all kinds of things about your life and accepted advice, and tried to pull me back together-that this whole time - she talked about you behind your back, made fun of you, put you down, and there I was thinking you would never hurt me in anyway.Thinking that I could trust you with my whole life.I would of done anything for you if you only told me the truth all along. We'll I dont need you, and I'm not going to cover for you anymore since your new best friend did a good job of fucking with your head and attempting to take everything I loved away from me.

I cant wait until school.

2007-07-31T04:18:35Z

I dont understand why Im feeling this way. Im a disappointment to myself and my mom, especially.

Lately Ive been wondering where all my friends have went, why I dont get calls anymore. Why the only person I have in my life other then my mother, is Bob.

I hate being alone.

On the other hand- more modeling, new photographer-WSU orientation on Thurs.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-07-19T00:50:00

2007-07-19T04:51:18Z

Im still a fuck up. I want Bob to be right here, right now.

hassle

2007-07-11T06:34:08Z

I'm having a hard time making up my mind right now.

I applied for SG and got in, so quit or keep going?

It's a bit of a money situation, or the main reason I wanted to do it. But a part of me thinks this is degrading and very self-disrespectful.

But to tell you the truth, that doesn't sound like one of my concerns, I'm not even anything to look at.

I'm really beating myself up for this. I'm short on tuition for college and that's the only sure way to make some money since all the places I applied at/ got intervied at, didn't find me good enough.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-06-18T02:38:00

2007-06-18T06:39:52Z

Im so exhausted. My lungs are about to collapse. Hookah is not good if it only goes around once.

its 4 months today. Im so happy with him

bathtubxcore @ 2007-05-28T18:10:00

2007-05-28T22:16:16Z

oh man am I sore as fuck. DEMF was better then I thought this year. I was sort of upset by the lack of stages, but the Beatport was amazing. I danced my ass off for 10 hours, Im not even kidding you. At the end of the night I could barely walk or breathe. Bob had to almost carry me back to the car( a few blocks away). It was fun seeing everybody there, Auds, and Dana, Andrea. They looked like they were having fun. I stepped on the scaled this morning- 105..I dont understand..I lost five pounds in one day, its from all the damn running around like Im on speed..haha..well..

Bob is amazing. Im so glad we never fight about anything.

PS. Do you know if anybody is hiring?

bathtubxcore @ 2007-05-20T21:19:00

2007-05-21T01:22:10Z

I quit my job.

Im pretty stressed about school.One week to go.

Anyway DEMF Saturday, maybe Monday for sure. Im so excited. Its def. going to be alot of fun showing Bob what rolling is really like.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-05-04T17:07:00

2007-05-04T21:08:40Z

You drive people like you drive a car, till you dont know where you are.

I got in car accident two days ago. Now I cant drive my car, or it will explode(literally)

Im really stressed. I need a good smoke. I love feeling like Im living on my own even though I come home at night.

I need a list of some new writers. I cant keep my eyes off of books lately. I think Im a bit OCD.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-04-29T22:25:00

2007-04-30T02:27:10Z

Bob moved out. Its crazy sleeping in a different house, but kind of knowing that its ok. I like sleepovers. I drove about 60 miles today. This gas thing needs to review itself.\\

on the other hand, I like feeling that things are working.

certain people trigger anxiety

2007-04-22T05:04:43Z

It's kind of funny how fast the paranoid feeling comes over you , when you get a reminder of someone you used to care about. Someone who ruined your life, or attempted it.

I don't reply to those kind of emails, but its enough to make me jump.
The past shouldn't give you anxiety attacks, certainly not by just thinking about it.

I miss Bob. He is the best thing by far in my life.These past 2 months have been full of attraction and destinations. As summer approaches, I can just see us together outside, laying in the grass somewhere high as never before.

oh,Im sick and way to drugged up on meds to make me better by tomorrow, I feel like my stomach is full of pills, and nothing else.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-04-15T23:13:00

2007-04-16T03:15:05Z

oh man everything is blurry. I hate work. I will definitely be grouchy tomorrow morning.

But on the other hand, Bob makes me really happy.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-04-08T13:15:00

2007-04-08T17:15:27Z

ITS MY 18th BIRTHDAY. Who wants to get me a few balloons?

bathtubxcore @ 2007-04-03T16:57:00

2007-04-03T20:59:50Z

Ive been so busy lately. I kind of passed out this morning, thats why I couldn't get to school.

Im going to be 18 on Sunday, Im not that excited anymore since my mom pretty much told me that shes not going to waste her money on me and that on Sunday(which is also easter), she rather leave me at home so I dont complain about the food..

On the other hand, Im in good hands. I cant wait till this weekend.

Whos going to DEMF this year?

reminds me of that we will always have eachother when everything else is gone

2007-03-24T20:14:22Z

Last night was another great night. I love parties on a good schedual.

This morning was the most beautiful sight ever-your strands of golden brown sugars tangled up. You looking a little bit hung over and lost.

All the thoughts running through my head are so peaceful. '

Danke schön

bathtubxcore @ 2007-03-20T15:28:00

2007-03-20T19:30:06Z

Life is pretty great right now. I had a great past couple of weeks, not to mention all the nights I still cant recall.

Yup, Im settled.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-03-11T21:30:00

2007-03-12T01:31:20Z

the weekend was great. I almost broke a few ribs. Snowboarding was pretty awesome, except there was a lot of crappy snow due to the weather. I cant even put on a jacket without screaming.

Im glad Im home because I get to see you.

disappear

2007-03-04T08:34:16Z

Portugal the man sounds so wonderful right now

I miss you

bathtubxcore @ 2007-02-26T19:50:00

2007-02-27T00:51:35Z

I like how our bodies were made to be similarly small.

You are fragile but it makes it ok.

Images

2007-02-22T08:23:21Z

the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see

Youre starting to turn into me.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-02-20T01:02:00

2007-02-20T06:03:01Z

Today was pretty fucking great, except the morning hangover.:]:]:]

Let your beauty unfold, how I like the skin stretched over your bones

2007-02-16T03:21:58Z

I used to sleep without a single stur.
I barely stay asleep these days.

Last night I woke up at midnight, felt like my skin was crawling.Looking at the clock, seeing the hours being taken from me.

I keep having the same dream over and over. Its been reocurring lately and its been with me ever since I was about 7. You would think theres an explanation for all of this, but I think I will never get out of it safely, even though I know the place so well.

Who would I be, if I never moved here. Russian girl, probably married by now. I guess Ive always been a perceptionist.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-02-14T19:35:00

2007-02-15T00:49:19Z

as of today-
*with some exceptions*

Guys are fucking disgusting, perverted pieces of shit.
I cant talk to anyone without knowing about what they want to do, or have me included. Sick. The world is a sick place. Live for lust? SICK SICK SICK.

I got asked this morning if I could somehow in the future, maybe, possibly, end up in a threesome with some FUCKING ASSHOLE? (these are my friends too)

I got into a converstaion with a decent guy and he turned everything around and wanted to talk about SEX, and what he would like to do with me and Im like look, If you want to talk about sex and jack off(no offense) just look around,youre on a fucking campus at school. God you sick piece of shit.

"oh it will be fun, lets talk about it, you can even get off too." <sick fuck. "thats ok, sorry."< me "well fine.. i'll have to wait till we meet to get any actions..if i get any lol"< sick fuck. "maybe you should look somewhere else" " you know I actaully thought you were a cool guy, but you really dont have any respect for girls. Were not just someone to fuck? ok." I want someone to love me, not to make me feel like Im just a fuckable object. Guys need to learn some respect. I have nothing to hold on to, except the sick idea, that these guys would see me in a realationship with them, but hey forget it, im not good enough. Im only here to get used.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-02-10T16:34:00

2007-02-10T21:35:02Z

The emptyness is back. Please someone make it stop.

bathtubxcore @ 2007-02-07T20:12:00

2007-02-08T01:13:45Z

why do I always feel helpless? I want to take you from point A to point B. Look past this

Drink up, baby, stay up all night.

2007-02-05T18:31:15Z

Drink up with me now,
And forget all about
The pressure of days.
Do what I say,
And I'll make you okay,
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head:
People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore—
That push and shove and won't bend to your will.
I’ll keep them still.
Drink up, baby, look at the stars.
I'll kiss you again
Between the bars,
Where I'm seeing you there,
With your hands in the air,
Waiting to finally be caught.
Drink up one more time,
And I'll make you mine.